Episode 2 Care Companion: You Can Love Them And Still Feel Worn Out

Tonight's Episode

Loving someone who is still alive but no longer feels like the person you knew can mess with your head in ways most people never see. On this midweek unpack of Holding It Together Kinda, I slow things down and revisit one of the most tender topics we have talked about: caregiver grief and ambiguous loss, the quiet, unacknowledged pain that shows up when memory, personality, and family roles change right in front of you.

I reflect on my conversation with Dr. Joanne Schaeffer and the core truth that caregiver grief can start long before death. We talk about the emotional pile-up that so many caregivers carry in silence: love alongside anger, exhaustion alongside tenderness, resentment alongside devotion. I share why “two things can be true at the same time” is more than a comforting line, it is a practical way to stop judging yourself for having normal human reactions while navigating dementia caregiving, chronic illness, and long-term support needs.

We also name the one feeling people whisper about but rarely admit out loud: relief when a crisis cycle ends. Feeling relieved is not evidence that your love is smaller. It is often your body finally leaving fight-or-flight, a nervous system response after months or years of high alert. I walk through a free Caregiver Grief listener action guide I built to go with the original episode, including prompts to name what you miss, honor what still matters, and choose one doable step for the next seven days so your brain can actually rest at night.

Grab the free guide via the link in the description or at carecoalition.org, then listen, share this with a caregiver who needs it, and subscribe and leave a review so more families can find real caregiver support. What two emotions are you holding at the same time right now?

https://michaelmackniak.org/free-listener-action-guides

Welcome To The Midweek Unpack

Hello everybody, welcome to this midweek unpack for Holding It Together Kinda. I'm Michael Makniak. On our full weekly episodes, we bring on experts, advocates, and frontline workers to break down the heavy stuff. Legal mazes, medical systems, messy realities at caregiving. But on these short midweek sessions, it's just gonna be you and me.

Caregiver Grief And Ambiguous Loss

Today we're gonna step back to an episode that cuts right to the heart of what so many of us carry in silence, which is caregiver grief and the pain of loving someone who has changed. Uh, with uh my friend Dr. Joanne Schaeffer. We've talked about ambiguous loss, like that quiet, unacknowledged pain of loving a person who's still sitting right in front of you, even though you feel like they're lost. Uh their memory may be gone, your memories of the person that you love so much, their personality may be gone.

Their role in life, your role in their life has completely shifted around. So if you've been with us for a while, you know that this conversation really at home. Uh if you're new, this is where again we peel off a lot of the armor.

A Free Companion Guide

When we aired that episode, we didn't have our camp our pamphlets uh ready yet, but you know, I went back and built one specifically for Caregiver Caregiver Grief, and it's available to you right now. Again, this is not homework, this is not to add anything to your to your plate. They're just short little synopses of the episode and a review of the worksheet to help you to uh break down some of the messages that were contained in that episode uh so that you can go back and check it out. And if you want to do the the work and have uh the timeline because it resonates with you, then that's fantastic.

So, like for instance, on page one in this care uh caregiver grief companion guide, the core truth is that caregiver grief can begin long before the death of your loved one.

Two Truths Can Coexist

Grief, love, anger, exhaustion, tenderness, resentment, and relief, they all can coexist and they don't necessarily have to cancel one another out. I love that saying two things can be true at the same time, right? As we go into page two, I want you to just discuss or describe how ambiguous loss is impacting you, asking you to name what it is that you're missing about the relationship, but still honor what's meaningful to you now. So, again, we're gonna talk about holding two truths at the same time.

There's statements on page four that go into um you know, statements that can be true and you don't have to feel bad about feeling them, such as, you know, I love my mom, but I'm exhausted. I feel tenderness toward my father, but I also feel a little bit of resentment toward them. Right? These are these are real raw emotions that are important. A lot of times caregivers uh have a real heavy emotion when re you know they finally get relief that comes in and it and it replaces the scythe of grief.

Relief Does Not Mean Less Love

It reminds us that feeling relieved when a crisis cycle ends is not proof that you loved somebody any less. It just means your body is finally leaving survival mode, that fight or flight mode. Um, I say that emotions are information. Emotions are not proof that you're a bad caregiver or that your love is false.

Dropping Impossible Caregiver Standards

So when I sat down and looked at it this week, I thought about how many caregivers are judging themselves using impossible standards. We convince ourselves that if we feel angry, uh, if we feel trapped or exhausted or burnt out, it means we failed. Or maybe it even means that, yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do because I'm a caregiver, I'm supposed to feel this way. You know, and and that kind of makes us feel human. But at the same time, we need to evaluate this and say, is this how I want to feel?

Is this how I should go on feeling? Is this how my loved one would want me to feel? You know, and and at the end, you'll get a, you know, what are you gonna do over the next seven days?

A Seven Day Reflection Plan

Write down a loss that's been real to you. Um sometimes other people don't see a loss as being real. They don't recognize it as a loss even. You can think about two conflicting emotions that that both exist um in contradiction to each other, right? Neither is right or wrong, it's just they're there. Maybe give your brain somewhere to land at night so you can actually rest. Wouldn't that be nice?

Download The Guide And Closing

So, anyway, go back, check out the Caregiver Grief episode, and um grab this free Caregiver Grief listener action guide. Uh the link will be in the description. Um, and you can always go to carecoalition.org and find it there. And until next time, keep holding it together, even if it's just kinda.

Chapters

Key Takeaways

Caregiver grief and ambiguous loss can begin long before death, occurring when a loved one's memory, personality, or family roles change due to dementia or chronic illness.

Caregivers often experience conflicting emotions simultaneously—love with anger, exhaustion with tenderness, resentment with devotion—and this is a normal human response, not a sign of insufficient love.

Feeling relief when a crisis cycle ends is a nervous system response after prolonged high alert, not evidence that your love is smaller.

A free Caregiver Grief listener action guide is available at carecoalition.org with prompts to name what you miss, honor what matters, and identify one doable step for the next seven days.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is ambiguous loss in the context of caregiving?

Ambiguous loss refers to the quiet, unacknowledged pain that occurs when memory, personality, and family roles change in a loved one who is still alive, such as in dementia or chronic illness.

Can you love someone and still feel worn out as a caregiver?

Yes. Caregivers can simultaneously hold love alongside anger, exhaustion alongside tenderness, and resentment alongside devotion—two things can be true at the same time.

What does the episode say about feeling relief during caregiving?

Relief when a crisis cycle ends is a normal nervous system response after months or years of high alert, not evidence that your love is smaller.

Where can I find the Caregiver Grief listener action guide?

The free guide is available via the link in the episode description or at carecoalition.org.